Some Day

Some day
she will say

Oh . . .
I get it.  I never got it before
but now I do.

What makes us grow up?
What triggers the understanding of life?
What makes us "see" everything clearly?

Some day
she will say

I am
and
it will be the difference between mist and clarity.
Seeing the big picture
causes
peace.

S-A-D

I guess it's hormonal.

I'm so S-A-D and
when I get sad like this
I start thinking of all
of the things that make
me sad and I get
more sad.

Why do I do this to myself?
I try to talk myself out of it
but it's rare (if ever, not sure)
that I can do that.

I'm just so sad . . .

Why write now?

Why post only when I'm feeling down?
What a waste of good feelings
Never to be posted
I wish I could get some more sleep
I wish my school work was complete for the week
I wish we were ready to move
We love love love our new house (a good feeling!)
I miss my Daddy so much
I'm starting my last year before turning 50!
Holy Crap!
Is that it?
My last day as a 48 year old
I don't want to feel yucky the entire day!
30 minute nap and off I go
I miss my Daddy . . .

Muramatsu

I bought a flute!
A beautiful, shiney, handmade Muramatsu flute.

My teacher told me about the Atlanta Flute Fair put on by the Atlanta Flute Club. I joined the club and went to the fair and bought a flute! Nancy was there to help me pick it out, to tell me if you will which one I sound better on. I do not sound good, let me tell you. The new flute did increase the notes I can play and has allowed me to feel more confident with my playing. However, I still have a long, long way to go.

That's ok. I play flute for me and me only if I have to. I am looking for a community group to play with though. That's a dream I'll hopefully fulfill one day.

The flute was a dream, a dream fulfilled.

It's coming

There's something better for you out there

Something wiser
Something sweeter
Something bluer or greener
Something taller or smaller
Something made just for you

It's meant to be
You will find it
and the bloody eye
will be whole again

The laughter and the twinkle
will return
and you will no longer wish
that hollywood would dissolve into thin air.

Ideal Protein

I FINALLY found a diet that works!
It's called Ideal Protein
Developed by a French doctor
For their athletes to lose fat but
not muscle.

I started it on December 9th 2009.
As of today I've lost 24.5 lbs!!
Whoo Hoo! I'm not starving
I'm not hungry
I'm not feeling deprived.

By this summer I "might" be
able to wear a decent looking
bathing suit

What do you think, self?
I think I'm so proud of YOU!

:)

The End of 2009

Another year come and gone . . .
and what did I learn?

not sure
nothing to say
nothing to think

Trips?
Let's see
Did I go anywhere?
Oh, yes, Edisto Island twice this year!
Chicago!
Kansas for a beautiful wedding

Started a diet on December 9th
and so far have lost 10.7 lbs.
Good job -- feeling good about that
maybe a nice bathing suit this
summer
might buy myself a tan, lol

oh well, on to 2010!
looking forward to it

Mother

The aging process of my mother is driving me nuts. I want her to be happy but she refuses and wants to make me her happiness. She calls me every day, all day long. Not every once in a while to chat and say hello but long, needy calls full of "I need this and I need that". She wants me to feel sorry for her and "understand" how lonely she is. I cannot make a life for her. As much as I wish I could wave my wand and she'd be well and happy with tons of friends -- I just can't.

On the other hand, I don't want her to die either. The process is destroying me. I'm so tired. I'm so emotional. I can never get away from her neediness but then I feel guilty because ultimately she will die and then what? Then I can feel bad for being so angry with her? Thanks a lot for that!

I started a new diet today and I guess I'm not feeling too stable. I have Christmas wrapping to do (haven't started, ok I did ONE!). My company Christmas party is Friday. I have reports and paperwork and BONDS, omg BONDS! to get done and my mother will not go and try to start a life for herself and just give me a break for a few days. Just a few days. Just a few hours of peace. Don't ask me where I am or what I'm doing or tell me what you need or how the food isn't good or the people aren't friendly or whatever your life problem is today -- just a break, just for a few days.

F-L-U-T-E

8 minutes until I leave work for my flute lesson

The flute is amazing to me.
A way to make music that I love.
A gift I gave to myself.

The flute.

My Uncle Dennis upgraded
my flute to an Armstrong and now I
have a hard time playing my Yamaha.

Soon I will have a new flute.
Flute, flute, flute
Flute collector?
Flute player?
Flutist

I love the flute!

Space

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes there is nothing to do but write.
I'm helpless to do anything else.
The anger and pain are what she wanted.
Why did she succeed?
Why did she want to succeed?
Why would anyone want to hurt someone so badly?

It's hard to imagine that she won't somehow be reminded of
the pain she's inflicted with some back at her.
I guess she feels justified.
She's already hurt and this is vindication.

But somewhere deep inside I know
that this pain will cost her dearly
it will cost her the trust of her children.

They'll always love her . . . and so they should,
but TRUST? True, genuine, trust
They'll save that for their sweet Daddy.
A Daddy as sweet as my own.
A Daddy whose children will someday mourn his death
and wish that they had had more time because he's
the one that they knew, beyond any limits of space and time,
loved them like no other.

God, please help us all heal and remain
forever dipped in
Love, Love, Love, Love, Love

I don't know how to fix it except
to keep loving and praying.

Happy Birthday Melissa

May the Gods sing you a beautiful song today and always!

5 years ago today

5 years ago today was the last time that I saw my sweet Daddy alive. He had asked me to take my mother shopping so she'd have something to wear for Easter. So, after work, I went and got her and he was there. He came out of the back of the house with a navy blue t-shirt on from JC Penney's (where mother had worked for 10-11 years). The shirt had children's shoes on it and I said, "Do you have Chase's shoes on your shirt?". He couldn't hear me. He was hearing double. Aneurysm? I don't know. It breaks my heart. I don't know what he died of. I was so irritated with him because he wanted me to take Mother shopping when I had to work the next day.

After we shopped we went by Atlanta Bread Company and bought sandwiches and took them home, one for him too. He still couldn't hear me talking to him, the last time I ever ate a meal with him. I was so irritated. I absolutely HATE myself for the way I felt toward him on the very last day I ever saw him and now it's been 5 years and I miss him so bad. I'm so sorry Daddy. I so hope you can read this and know how much I miss you and love you and how much I regret being so moody. I know I do it to Mother now, KNOWING any day could be my last day with her.

This time of year is so hard . . . I wonder if I'll ever feel better about losing my Dad. Somehow I don't think so.

I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY

All there is

The years come and go
but where do they go
A couple of days
A moment in time
A memory for a lifetime
Love
Love
Love . . .

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Kansas

My brother Ken and I got on an airplane on Friday and went to see our baby brother, Wes, in Kansas. We had a wonderful, marvelous time. We hadn't spent time together just the 3 of us maybe our entire adult lives and it was so amazing reconnecting with each other. We visited the WWI memorial which is the last place that Wes took our Dad before he died in 2004. We had our photo taken at the spot where they stood and looked out over KC together for the last time. We hated to leave each other behind and are hoping for more weekends like this one in our future.

I love my brothers. You guys are the BEST!!

Sis

ild

We are part of each other
In places we are one

Deny it
ignore it
shut the door on it
don't acknowledge it
pretend it's gone

That's best for now
They wouldn't understand
Maybe forever
Maybe
Maybe

Do you know that everything
that has ever happened,
is happening, or will happen
happens all at once?

An explanation for why
it is the way it is

I will never intrude on
your peaceful life, but
that won't make it
go away.

And should I feel ashamed?
It was a gift from God so
no, I won't feel ashamed or
wish it was different

It's perfect the way it is
Others need us in ways
we didn't know they would
and we're glad that they
do, still nothing can change
what was/is/shall be.

I'm still here
You're still there
Our lives were meant
to be as they are

ild

10 years!!

The Bevo and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary on January 1st, 2009. We went to the Georgia Aquarium and had a blast. Besides the fish we saw a traveling Titanic exhibit but were not allowed to photograph it. I love you, Pookie!

The Drama of 2008

2008
A difficult year
After the crappy 7 years I had between 1998 and 2004 I was really hoping those were done for a while. You know, 7 years good after 7 years bad or something like that.

Anyway, my brother filed for divorce in February 2008 and still no divorce. Talk about dragging it out. My soon to be (I guess?) sister-in-law has become someone that I feel pity for -- she's not mentally all there I would say. Long story and not what I want to write about.

The divorce though was the beginning of a hard year. I had several trips already planned and was exhausted by June when my brother called and asked my mother and I to come to KC and help him. He needed an apartment and monetary help and help with his kids and a trip to the lawyer's office to set a temporary order in place. The wife was in the hospital after falling due to, I don't know, stress maybe?? Such drama all year long . . . one holiday after another. Now it's Christmas time and the same thing. Misery loves company. That is one thing that is absolutely for sure.

So, it's about time for 2009 and hopefully a year of taking care of myself more than others. I love them all but they're about to wear me out! :)

I am wealth, I am abundance, I am joy!!! I love you all but I need to love me for a while. I want to feel rested, healthy, loved, joyful, happy, love.

Strange Aging

Gotta tell ya, aging is very strange. It's like you start out in one category (young, hip and beautiful) and all of a sudden you're in another (old, saggy and out of touch). When does this happen? Meantime, everyone in my age group still thinks I'm young and beautiful but I know that they're wrong because they're old, saggy, and out of touch. All of a sudden I can't hold a conversation with a 20-something because I have NO IDEA what they're talking about. Music, movies, electronics, games, books, heros, stars, etc. etc. I know NONE of them.

I'm not really hating this state, more amused than anything, and wondering, when did this happen? I love to enjoy my "old" stuff -- but even my favorite singer (who is, by the way, old like me) has youngster fans who don't remember her first album, her last 20 hair styles, her last relationship. How very odd? I certainly haven't forgotten the impact of that relationship on her at the time, us as fans at the time, and the music!!! OMG!! It's just weird getting older and finding people who think that time started when they were born 23 years ago. I know, I know. I was the SAME way -- just saying, it's strange.

Losing someone special

My brother and sister-in-law have decided on divorce. Where to begin to express the sadness I have. I've come to love my sister-in-law, not as a sister exactly, but as someone who is part of my family. She is after all the mother of the babies I love to love on but as special as that is, it isn't entirely why I love her.

You see, I have an understanding of the enormity of the universe and how we are all connected. We're each light energy and all part of the same I AM. The only way to "be" in this life is to love one another. So when my baby brother (whom I love very much) says "I love this one" I begin to love her too. Then, I begin to not only love her because he loves her but because I have found something in her that is also in me. Humanity. Joys and hurts and smiles and tears. We all experience these and in their existence can relate to and love each other.

So, now what? Now, she's angry and hurt and wants me to side with her against my brother. I cannot and wouldn't if I could. I don't know all the details of their marriage -- it wasn't mine to live. It's not my pain to hurt. It's not my loss to live through.

Or is it? The only thing that stays the same, is change. My nephews will always be my nephews. Will I be able to create a new relationship with their mother? I don't know. At this point, no. I have hope for the future but I'll admit, I'm scared.

Hollywood Farm Girl

Dear Hollywood Farm Girl,

I'm sending you a message via the universe. Somehow I know you'll get the message whether it's from my blog or some other way. It's meant to get to you.

Yes, I'm a huge fan of your wife's and sometimes feel overwhelmed with the thought of how different (dare I say empty?) my life would have been without her music but that's not why I'm here. I'm here to tell you how much your blog means and has meant to me. Thank you for the thoughts, the laughter, the tears, the joy, for sharing your love, your fears, your pain, your laughter, your children, your wife, and your life. I have enjoyed each entry as if I'd picked up the phone and had a conversation with a wonderful friend.

Most recently, I read with tears in my eyes your blog regarding Suzanne Pleshette's passing and understood so well the pain of having to "let go with the fingers". My Dad was my biggest fan. He loved me unconditionally and was very proud of me. In 2004 I had to let go with my fingers and of course, my heart still won't let go. I understand that when someone passes that almost instantly they are no longer "attached" to their physical body as it is just a vehicle for moving through this dimension and when they move on they're done with it. I find it hard to believe that one day I won't care what my hair looks like :-) but if it means seeing my sweet Daddy again I'm all for it.

Please keep blogging when you can, T! It's cool how we can affect others in a profound way and it's more cool to find someone who knows this and uses this gift to affect the universe in a positive way.

Love from a stranger-friend.

Mel