Another year come and gone . . .
and what did I learn?
not sure
nothing to say
nothing to think
Trips?
Let's see
Did I go anywhere?
Oh, yes, Edisto Island twice this year!
Chicago!
Kansas for a beautiful wedding
Started a diet on December 9th
and so far have lost 10.7 lbs.
Good job -- feeling good about that
maybe a nice bathing suit this
summer
might buy myself a tan, lol
oh well, on to 2010!
looking forward to it
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Mother
The aging process of my mother is driving me nuts. I want her to be happy but she refuses and wants to make me her happiness. She calls me every day, all day long. Not every once in a while to chat and say hello but long, needy calls full of "I need this and I need that". She wants me to feel sorry for her and "understand" how lonely she is. I cannot make a life for her. As much as I wish I could wave my wand and she'd be well and happy with tons of friends -- I just can't.
On the other hand, I don't want her to die either. The process is destroying me. I'm so tired. I'm so emotional. I can never get away from her neediness but then I feel guilty because ultimately she will die and then what? Then I can feel bad for being so angry with her? Thanks a lot for that!
I started a new diet today and I guess I'm not feeling too stable. I have Christmas wrapping to do (haven't started, ok I did ONE!). My company Christmas party is Friday. I have reports and paperwork and BONDS, omg BONDS! to get done and my mother will not go and try to start a life for herself and just give me a break for a few days. Just a few days. Just a few hours of peace. Don't ask me where I am or what I'm doing or tell me what you need or how the food isn't good or the people aren't friendly or whatever your life problem is today -- just a break, just for a few days.
On the other hand, I don't want her to die either. The process is destroying me. I'm so tired. I'm so emotional. I can never get away from her neediness but then I feel guilty because ultimately she will die and then what? Then I can feel bad for being so angry with her? Thanks a lot for that!
I started a new diet today and I guess I'm not feeling too stable. I have Christmas wrapping to do (haven't started, ok I did ONE!). My company Christmas party is Friday. I have reports and paperwork and BONDS, omg BONDS! to get done and my mother will not go and try to start a life for herself and just give me a break for a few days. Just a few days. Just a few hours of peace. Don't ask me where I am or what I'm doing or tell me what you need or how the food isn't good or the people aren't friendly or whatever your life problem is today -- just a break, just for a few days.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
F-L-U-T-E
8 minutes until I leave work for my flute lesson
The flute is amazing to me.
A way to make music that I love.
A gift I gave to myself.
The flute.
My Uncle Dennis upgraded
my flute to an Armstrong and now I
have a hard time playing my Yamaha.
Soon I will have a new flute.
Flute, flute, flute
Flute collector?
Flute player?
Flutist
I love the flute!
The flute is amazing to me.
A way to make music that I love.
A gift I gave to myself.
The flute.
My Uncle Dennis upgraded
my flute to an Armstrong and now I
have a hard time playing my Yamaha.
Soon I will have a new flute.
Flute, flute, flute
Flute collector?
Flute player?
Flutist
I love the flute!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Space
Sometimes . . .
Sometimes there is nothing to do but write.
I'm helpless to do anything else.
The anger and pain are what she wanted.
Why did she succeed?
Why did she want to succeed?
Why would anyone want to hurt someone so badly?
It's hard to imagine that she won't somehow be reminded of
the pain she's inflicted with some back at her.
I guess she feels justified.
She's already hurt and this is vindication.
But somewhere deep inside I know
that this pain will cost her dearly
it will cost her the trust of her children.
They'll always love her . . . and so they should,
but TRUST? True, genuine, trust
They'll save that for their sweet Daddy.
A Daddy as sweet as my own.
A Daddy whose children will someday mourn his death
and wish that they had had more time because he's
the one that they knew, beyond any limits of space and time,
loved them like no other.
God, please help us all heal and remain
forever dipped in
Love, Love, Love, Love, Love
I don't know how to fix it except
to keep loving and praying.
Sometimes there is nothing to do but write.
I'm helpless to do anything else.
The anger and pain are what she wanted.
Why did she succeed?
Why did she want to succeed?
Why would anyone want to hurt someone so badly?
It's hard to imagine that she won't somehow be reminded of
the pain she's inflicted with some back at her.
I guess she feels justified.
She's already hurt and this is vindication.
But somewhere deep inside I know
that this pain will cost her dearly
it will cost her the trust of her children.
They'll always love her . . . and so they should,
but TRUST? True, genuine, trust
They'll save that for their sweet Daddy.
A Daddy as sweet as my own.
A Daddy whose children will someday mourn his death
and wish that they had had more time because he's
the one that they knew, beyond any limits of space and time,
loved them like no other.
God, please help us all heal and remain
forever dipped in
Love, Love, Love, Love, Love
I don't know how to fix it except
to keep loving and praying.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
5 years ago today
5 years ago today was the last time that I saw my sweet Daddy alive. He had asked me to take my mother shopping so she'd have something to wear for Easter. So, after work, I went and got her and he was there. He came out of the back of the house with a navy blue t-shirt on from JC Penney's (where mother had worked for 10-11 years). The shirt had children's shoes on it and I said, "Do you have Chase's shoes on your shirt?". He couldn't hear me. He was hearing double. Aneurysm? I don't know. It breaks my heart. I don't know what he died of. I was so irritated with him because he wanted me to take Mother shopping when I had to work the next day.
After we shopped we went by Atlanta Bread Company and bought sandwiches and took them home, one for him too. He still couldn't hear me talking to him, the last time I ever ate a meal with him. I was so irritated. I absolutely HATE myself for the way I felt toward him on the very last day I ever saw him and now it's been 5 years and I miss him so bad. I'm so sorry Daddy. I so hope you can read this and know how much I miss you and love you and how much I regret being so moody. I know I do it to Mother now, KNOWING any day could be my last day with her.
This time of year is so hard . . . I wonder if I'll ever feel better about losing my Dad. Somehow I don't think so.
I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY
After we shopped we went by Atlanta Bread Company and bought sandwiches and took them home, one for him too. He still couldn't hear me talking to him, the last time I ever ate a meal with him. I was so irritated. I absolutely HATE myself for the way I felt toward him on the very last day I ever saw him and now it's been 5 years and I miss him so bad. I'm so sorry Daddy. I so hope you can read this and know how much I miss you and love you and how much I regret being so moody. I know I do it to Mother now, KNOWING any day could be my last day with her.
This time of year is so hard . . . I wonder if I'll ever feel better about losing my Dad. Somehow I don't think so.
I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY
Monday, March 23, 2009
All there is
The years come and go
but where do they go
A couple of days
A moment in time
A memory for a lifetime
Love
Love
Love . . .
but where do they go
A couple of days
A moment in time
A memory for a lifetime
Love
Love
Love . . .
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Kansas
My brother Ken and I got on an airplane on Friday and went to see our baby brother, Wes, in Kansas. We had a wonderful, marvelous time. We hadn't spent time together just the 3 of us maybe our entire adult lives and it was so amazing reconnecting with each other. We visited the WWI memorial which is the last place that Wes took our Dad before he died in 2004. We had our photo taken at the spot where they stood and looked out over KC together for the last time. We hated to leave each other behind and are hoping for more weekends like this one in our future.
I love my brothers. You guys are the BEST!!
Sis
My brother Ken and I got on an airplane on Friday and went to see our baby brother, Wes, in Kansas. We had a wonderful, marvelous time. We hadn't spent time together just the 3 of us maybe our entire adult lives and it was so amazing reconnecting with each other. We visited the WWI memorial which is the last place that Wes took our Dad before he died in 2004. We had our photo taken at the spot where they stood and looked out over KC together for the last time. We hated to leave each other behind and are hoping for more weekends like this one in our future.
I love my brothers. You guys are the BEST!!
Sis
Thursday, February 19, 2009
ild
We are part of each other
In places we are one
Deny it
ignore it
shut the door on it
don't acknowledge it
pretend it's gone
That's best for now
They wouldn't understand
Maybe forever
Maybe
Maybe
Do you know that everything
that has ever happened,
is happening, or will happen
happens all at once?
An explanation for why
it is the way it is
I will never intrude on
your peaceful life, but
that won't make it
go away.
And should I feel ashamed?
It was a gift from God so
no, I won't feel ashamed or
wish it was different
It's perfect the way it is
Others need us in ways
we didn't know they would
and we're glad that they
do, still nothing can change
what was/is/shall be.
I'm still here
You're still there
Our lives were meant
to be as they are
ild
In places we are one
Deny it
ignore it
shut the door on it
don't acknowledge it
pretend it's gone
That's best for now
They wouldn't understand
Maybe forever
Maybe
Maybe
Do you know that everything
that has ever happened,
is happening, or will happen
happens all at once?
An explanation for why
it is the way it is
I will never intrude on
your peaceful life, but
that won't make it
go away.
And should I feel ashamed?
It was a gift from God so
no, I won't feel ashamed or
wish it was different
It's perfect the way it is
Others need us in ways
we didn't know they would
and we're glad that they
do, still nothing can change
what was/is/shall be.
I'm still here
You're still there
Our lives were meant
to be as they are
ild
Friday, January 02, 2009
10 years!!
The Bevo and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary on January 1st, 2009. We went to the Georgia Aquarium and had a blast. Besides the fish we saw a traveling Titanic exhibit but were not allowed to photograph it. I love you, Pookie!
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