TAX DATE 2022

On a typical tax date you retired.  I know how absolutely thrilled you are with your new home and things to go in it.  I'm so excited for you both.  

Today, I talked to you for what felt like the last time.  I know in my heart it's not the last time but it felt that way and I know why and it's ok.  Still, when we hung up the phone I had tears in my eyes.

One thing is for sure . . .  that day in February, 1977 destroyed both of us.  Yes by god we LOVE THEM and 'til death do us part.  We know, we get it, and we want it to be that way.  But, I can tell you that deep, down inside I am dying.  The thoughts are many.  How come TK can talk to you whenever he wants and I can't?  How's that for bratty?  LOL  There's more.

If I had it to do over I would ask my parents to please let me go.  I'd tell them to leave it unresolved would destroy the rest of my life.  We needed a resolution.  Not one controlled by other people - one of our own choosing.  Even the last time you left we didn't do it because we fell out of love.  We did it because I needed to be single and you needed a partner.  As if, once I got away from my parents I would never again allow anyone to call the shots for me.

I've not had a healthy relationship since.  I don't have a best friend.  I don't trust most people to even help me think things through or share with them.  I know you've had better relationships with some people but I also know you've dealt with anxiety and other ailments as a result of this (and other things).  We were literally destroyed.  If my wife weren't the person she is, she would have left me long ago.  

So, now what?  Thankfully, we're closer to the end.  My heart wants you to thoroughly enjoy every single day of your retirement.  I hope I get to visit and I hope one day I get to retire.  I hope one day my stomach will release the knots.  It's time to go forward rather than back.  I will always love you with all of my heart and I'll see you on the other side if nowhere else.  But I don't think it's EVER going to end.  Now to make that ok.  ILD

February 1977

Is it possible to remember the details?

It was February 1977 - what day?  Who knows . . . somewhere in that 28 days we said good-bye and left our crazy world forever.  We couldn't get it back - we tried - more than once.  I remember your coat - plaid - you wore it often.  Your glasses, your face, your hair, your lips - god, I loved you. You brought me cigarettes - 2 packs.  I have no memory of Willie Nelson, Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain - you said it was raining - we were both destroyed.  I went back to the room I was moving out of and on the orange carpeted floor, among the piles of boxes, I screamed at GOD - "please, don't ever let me see her again if this is wrong!"  

It was over, done - or was it?  I went on.  You went on.  Contact happened, back and forth, push and pull.  I honestly lost track of how many times you pulled me close and pushed me away based on your need to do what you felt was right.  The way the tapestry thread of our love wove in and out of my life is something I look back on and smile.  It's gold and shiny and soft and loving.  I love you.  There are no conditions attached.  I just love you.