5 years ago today

5 years ago today was the last time that I saw my sweet Daddy alive. He had asked me to take my mother shopping so she'd have something to wear for Easter. So, after work, I went and got her and he was there. He came out of the back of the house with a navy blue t-shirt on from JC Penney's (where mother had worked for 10-11 years). The shirt had children's shoes on it and I said, "Do you have Chase's shoes on your shirt?". He couldn't hear me. He was hearing double. Aneurysm? I don't know. It breaks my heart. I don't know what he died of. I was so irritated with him because he wanted me to take Mother shopping when I had to work the next day.

After we shopped we went by Atlanta Bread Company and bought sandwiches and took them home, one for him too. He still couldn't hear me talking to him, the last time I ever ate a meal with him. I was so irritated. I absolutely HATE myself for the way I felt toward him on the very last day I ever saw him and now it's been 5 years and I miss him so bad. I'm so sorry Daddy. I so hope you can read this and know how much I miss you and love you and how much I regret being so moody. I know I do it to Mother now, KNOWING any day could be my last day with her.

This time of year is so hard . . . I wonder if I'll ever feel better about losing my Dad. Somehow I don't think so.

I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY

All there is

The years come and go
but where do they go
A couple of days
A moment in time
A memory for a lifetime
Love
Love
Love . . .

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Kansas

My brother Ken and I got on an airplane on Friday and went to see our baby brother, Wes, in Kansas. We had a wonderful, marvelous time. We hadn't spent time together just the 3 of us maybe our entire adult lives and it was so amazing reconnecting with each other. We visited the WWI memorial which is the last place that Wes took our Dad before he died in 2004. We had our photo taken at the spot where they stood and looked out over KC together for the last time. We hated to leave each other behind and are hoping for more weekends like this one in our future.

I love my brothers. You guys are the BEST!!

Sis

ild

We are part of each other
In places we are one

Deny it
ignore it
shut the door on it
don't acknowledge it
pretend it's gone

That's best for now
They wouldn't understand
Maybe forever
Maybe
Maybe

Do you know that everything
that has ever happened,
is happening, or will happen
happens all at once?

An explanation for why
it is the way it is

I will never intrude on
your peaceful life, but
that won't make it
go away.

And should I feel ashamed?
It was a gift from God so
no, I won't feel ashamed or
wish it was different

It's perfect the way it is
Others need us in ways
we didn't know they would
and we're glad that they
do, still nothing can change
what was/is/shall be.

I'm still here
You're still there
Our lives were meant
to be as they are

ild

10 years!!

The Bevo and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary on January 1st, 2009. We went to the Georgia Aquarium and had a blast. Besides the fish we saw a traveling Titanic exhibit but were not allowed to photograph it. I love you, Pookie!

The Drama of 2008

2008
A difficult year
After the crappy 7 years I had between 1998 and 2004 I was really hoping those were done for a while. You know, 7 years good after 7 years bad or something like that.

Anyway, my brother filed for divorce in February 2008 and still no divorce. Talk about dragging it out. My soon to be (I guess?) sister-in-law has become someone that I feel pity for -- she's not mentally all there I would say. Long story and not what I want to write about.

The divorce though was the beginning of a hard year. I had several trips already planned and was exhausted by June when my brother called and asked my mother and I to come to KC and help him. He needed an apartment and monetary help and help with his kids and a trip to the lawyer's office to set a temporary order in place. The wife was in the hospital after falling due to, I don't know, stress maybe?? Such drama all year long . . . one holiday after another. Now it's Christmas time and the same thing. Misery loves company. That is one thing that is absolutely for sure.

So, it's about time for 2009 and hopefully a year of taking care of myself more than others. I love them all but they're about to wear me out! :)

I am wealth, I am abundance, I am joy!!! I love you all but I need to love me for a while. I want to feel rested, healthy, loved, joyful, happy, love.

Strange Aging

Gotta tell ya, aging is very strange. It's like you start out in one category (young, hip and beautiful) and all of a sudden you're in another (old, saggy and out of touch). When does this happen? Meantime, everyone in my age group still thinks I'm young and beautiful but I know that they're wrong because they're old, saggy, and out of touch. All of a sudden I can't hold a conversation with a 20-something because I have NO IDEA what they're talking about. Music, movies, electronics, games, books, heros, stars, etc. etc. I know NONE of them.

I'm not really hating this state, more amused than anything, and wondering, when did this happen? I love to enjoy my "old" stuff -- but even my favorite singer (who is, by the way, old like me) has youngster fans who don't remember her first album, her last 20 hair styles, her last relationship. How very odd? I certainly haven't forgotten the impact of that relationship on her at the time, us as fans at the time, and the music!!! OMG!! It's just weird getting older and finding people who think that time started when they were born 23 years ago. I know, I know. I was the SAME way -- just saying, it's strange.

Losing someone special

My brother and sister-in-law have decided on divorce. Where to begin to express the sadness I have. I've come to love my sister-in-law, not as a sister exactly, but as someone who is part of my family. She is after all the mother of the babies I love to love on but as special as that is, it isn't entirely why I love her.

You see, I have an understanding of the enormity of the universe and how we are all connected. We're each light energy and all part of the same I AM. The only way to "be" in this life is to love one another. So when my baby brother (whom I love very much) says "I love this one" I begin to love her too. Then, I begin to not only love her because he loves her but because I have found something in her that is also in me. Humanity. Joys and hurts and smiles and tears. We all experience these and in their existence can relate to and love each other.

So, now what? Now, she's angry and hurt and wants me to side with her against my brother. I cannot and wouldn't if I could. I don't know all the details of their marriage -- it wasn't mine to live. It's not my pain to hurt. It's not my loss to live through.

Or is it? The only thing that stays the same, is change. My nephews will always be my nephews. Will I be able to create a new relationship with their mother? I don't know. At this point, no. I have hope for the future but I'll admit, I'm scared.

Hollywood Farm Girl

Dear Hollywood Farm Girl,

I'm sending you a message via the universe. Somehow I know you'll get the message whether it's from my blog or some other way. It's meant to get to you.

Yes, I'm a huge fan of your wife's and sometimes feel overwhelmed with the thought of how different (dare I say empty?) my life would have been without her music but that's not why I'm here. I'm here to tell you how much your blog means and has meant to me. Thank you for the thoughts, the laughter, the tears, the joy, for sharing your love, your fears, your pain, your laughter, your children, your wife, and your life. I have enjoyed each entry as if I'd picked up the phone and had a conversation with a wonderful friend.

Most recently, I read with tears in my eyes your blog regarding Suzanne Pleshette's passing and understood so well the pain of having to "let go with the fingers". My Dad was my biggest fan. He loved me unconditionally and was very proud of me. In 2004 I had to let go with my fingers and of course, my heart still won't let go. I understand that when someone passes that almost instantly they are no longer "attached" to their physical body as it is just a vehicle for moving through this dimension and when they move on they're done with it. I find it hard to believe that one day I won't care what my hair looks like :-) but if it means seeing my sweet Daddy again I'm all for it.

Please keep blogging when you can, T! It's cool how we can affect others in a profound way and it's more cool to find someone who knows this and uses this gift to affect the universe in a positive way.

Love from a stranger-friend.

Mel

Jason and Rachael

I have 4 nephews and
right now, no nieces
I love my boys --
Chase, Brady, Preston
The Babies that
I love to LOVE ON!!
"Kisses from Aunt Mellie!!"
Jason Jones, my eldest nephew
Only son of my brother
Kenny.
Jason graduated
this year from the
University of Georgia.
At UGA he met my
soon to be niece, Rachael
I love her -- she is so
very special. I'm so
happy for Jason that
at this young stage of
his life he's found
such a wonderful partner,
a life partner, someone to
help him grow and become
even more of a wonderful
man than he already is.
Congrats Jason!!
YOU DID IT SO WELL!!
I love you both.
Aunt Mellie

Progress Report

I want to write this down because it's very exciting and I want to remember it in the future. Maybe that's why I write every post. Hmm, and DUH I guess. :)

I've worked at my job for 2 years and 5 days. Telecom Network Solutions, TNS for short. We have just been asked to do work in the Caribbean and I've gotten my passport and my name is going on the company down there, etc. etc. My life is gradually but then again quickly taking a turn for the better. My health, my work, my relationships, my interests, everything. The depression has lifted and other than my weight, which I'm trying to work on in a healthy way, I'm pleased with the way things have been going.

In a few months or a year I'd like to check back on this and see where I was now. Do you know that everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen is all happening at once? Interesting, Quantum Physics. My next big interest I think. :)

Lovin' the flute by the way.

Dreamin'

Had a dream last night
I was in a boat
sort of a canoe but bigger
floating down a jungle-looking
waterway and
at the end was
My Daddy!
We fished together on
worms, he dropped them
down an embankment
and I scrambled to get
them for him just to
make him proud.
Then, I got a hug
from my Daddy -- it was
so wonderful. I woke up
HAPPY!!
Thanks for visiting
DADDY! I LOVE YOU!!!!

The Flute

A dream.
To one day play the flute with a group, band, orchestra, whatever.

This was part of my childhood that I really enjoyed, The Band.
In The Band I found my first true love.

So I've bought a flute, student, Yamaha.
I have my first lesson on Wednesday.

August 29th 2007 the beginning of a dream come true.

Thank you for the inspiration.

:)

Trivial?

A thought . . .

Never
let your life
become
so trivial
that
the trivial things
matter.

Hello Daddy

The 3rd anniversary of my Daddy's passing has come and gone. I was so sad, so intent on remembering both the several days before and after his death date. I ordered flowers for the alter at Mother's church, in memory of Dad, in honor of Mother. I miss him so much. Does he have the slightest idea how much I miss him? God, I hope so!!

What I wouldn't give to call him up just for a second ~ Hi Daddy! I would say. I love you!! Are you ok? Sweet Jesus how hard it is to lose your Daddy. Was there something I could have done to keep him here? I don't think so but looking back there are so many signs that MAYBE should have been recognized. All I know is that I failed him in that way. I try not to second guess myself but it's so hard because I desperately miss him. I want to say Hello Daddy out loud to the man I called daddy. Not to the air. Not to the computer. To him. Hello sweet Daddy. Do you know how much I miss you? How much I want to call you on the phone? How much I want to hear from you? I can't wait to see you. I'm so looking forward to that day. I'm going to scream from the rooftops. Today I'm going to Finally see my Daddy.

Will the pain ever get better? I don't know . . . I hate not knowing . . .

Somewhere my Daddy is and I'm trying to get a message to him. Daddy do you hear me? Daddy can you see me? Daddy can you hug me? I love you so much. Please don't forget me. Please be happy. That's all I ever wanted.

Asking

Things
are better.

How did it happen?
I don't know entirely.
Oh, I know I worked on it
but how amazing that it works!!

Ask and you shall receive

Before you even ask, it is given

I ask for the following:

To make the repairs
necessary to sell my house

To purchase a new home
large enough for us and maybe mother

To purchase the RV of our dreams

To purchase a Tundra for me
and an FJ for the Bevo

To enjoy Bevo's new JOB!!

To love everyone

To let the negatives roll off
like water on a duck's back

To feel good

To exercise

To eat the best I know how

Ask and it is already given!!!

I'm SO EXCITED!!

I AM

I am wealth,
I am abundance,
I am joy.

My new phrase
I am wealth,
I am abundance,
I am joy.

I say it
over
and
over.

What I tell the universe
it not only believes
but creates.

I have wealth
I have abundance
I have joy
I have love
I have contentment.

My life is just beginning
just beginning to make sense . . .
sort of
can't say I understand
all of it
but
some
things
are
falling
into
place.

Something

Searching
searching
searching

What's next?

I think maybe it's true
I picked this and worrying
about it isn't the best use
of my life

But, what exactly did I pick?
Indecision
Sadness
Lack of direction

Sometimes the drinking
smoking
drug
life of yesterday is really appealing
What keeps me from not going there?
The knowledge that there's nothing there either

So, where is something?

If I knew that one day
I would find something
that fulfills my life
I wouldn't worry so much

but I can't help but think
that what I'm doing now
is not helping me get
to where I want to be
and I don't know
what to change to correct
my course since I don't
even know what that
course is :(

I
can
only
pray
Dear God, show me the way

Good Things

Is the difference
all in my thoughts?

Am I one way and
she another
because of how
we think of
ourselves?

I AM
powerful
happy
joyous
creative
successful
prosperous
healthy
kind
loving
gentle
strong
powerful (again)

My spirit drinks in the good thoughts
to bring about the change it desires
some things must go
the clutter
the dirt
the negative

Only
light
light
light

and
love

It Speaks to Me

Obsessed?
maybe but call it what you will
the music speaks to my heart
and I'm not the only one.

Her soul speaks to us too ~
big shoes to be in
and I know she's aware of it
she talks about it and
throws it back to us
her audience
take it with you she says
and so I try

Not that I think she's
got more figured out than I do
It takes some knowledge to be able to listen,
understanding to know what you've been
reminded of

But I appreciate the reminder
I appreciate the bond of mutual
knowing
and I appreciate the feeling of
not being alone in the world

Thanks
for the
music
spirit
truth
love