ild

We are part of each other
In places we are one

Deny it
ignore it
shut the door on it
don't acknowledge it
pretend it's gone

That's best for now
They wouldn't understand
Maybe forever
Maybe
Maybe

Do you know that everything
that has ever happened,
is happening, or will happen
happens all at once?

An explanation for why
it is the way it is

I will never intrude on
your peaceful life, but
that won't make it
go away.

And should I feel ashamed?
It was a gift from God so
no, I won't feel ashamed or
wish it was different

It's perfect the way it is
Others need us in ways
we didn't know they would
and we're glad that they
do, still nothing can change
what was/is/shall be.

I'm still here
You're still there
Our lives were meant
to be as they are

ild

10 years!!

The Bevo and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary on January 1st, 2009. We went to the Georgia Aquarium and had a blast. Besides the fish we saw a traveling Titanic exhibit but were not allowed to photograph it. I love you, Pookie!

The Drama of 2008

2008
A difficult year
After the crappy 7 years I had between 1998 and 2004 I was really hoping those were done for a while. You know, 7 years good after 7 years bad or something like that.

Anyway, my brother filed for divorce in February 2008 and still no divorce. Talk about dragging it out. My soon to be (I guess?) sister-in-law has become someone that I feel pity for -- she's not mentally all there I would say. Long story and not what I want to write about.

The divorce though was the beginning of a hard year. I had several trips already planned and was exhausted by June when my brother called and asked my mother and I to come to KC and help him. He needed an apartment and monetary help and help with his kids and a trip to the lawyer's office to set a temporary order in place. The wife was in the hospital after falling due to, I don't know, stress maybe?? Such drama all year long . . . one holiday after another. Now it's Christmas time and the same thing. Misery loves company. That is one thing that is absolutely for sure.

So, it's about time for 2009 and hopefully a year of taking care of myself more than others. I love them all but they're about to wear me out! :)

I am wealth, I am abundance, I am joy!!! I love you all but I need to love me for a while. I want to feel rested, healthy, loved, joyful, happy, love.

Strange Aging

Gotta tell ya, aging is very strange. It's like you start out in one category (young, hip and beautiful) and all of a sudden you're in another (old, saggy and out of touch). When does this happen? Meantime, everyone in my age group still thinks I'm young and beautiful but I know that they're wrong because they're old, saggy, and out of touch. All of a sudden I can't hold a conversation with a 20-something because I have NO IDEA what they're talking about. Music, movies, electronics, games, books, heros, stars, etc. etc. I know NONE of them.

I'm not really hating this state, more amused than anything, and wondering, when did this happen? I love to enjoy my "old" stuff -- but even my favorite singer (who is, by the way, old like me) has youngster fans who don't remember her first album, her last 20 hair styles, her last relationship. How very odd? I certainly haven't forgotten the impact of that relationship on her at the time, us as fans at the time, and the music!!! OMG!! It's just weird getting older and finding people who think that time started when they were born 23 years ago. I know, I know. I was the SAME way -- just saying, it's strange.

Losing someone special

My brother and sister-in-law have decided on divorce. Where to begin to express the sadness I have. I've come to love my sister-in-law, not as a sister exactly, but as someone who is part of my family. She is after all the mother of the babies I love to love on but as special as that is, it isn't entirely why I love her.

You see, I have an understanding of the enormity of the universe and how we are all connected. We're each light energy and all part of the same I AM. The only way to "be" in this life is to love one another. So when my baby brother (whom I love very much) says "I love this one" I begin to love her too. Then, I begin to not only love her because he loves her but because I have found something in her that is also in me. Humanity. Joys and hurts and smiles and tears. We all experience these and in their existence can relate to and love each other.

So, now what? Now, she's angry and hurt and wants me to side with her against my brother. I cannot and wouldn't if I could. I don't know all the details of their marriage -- it wasn't mine to live. It's not my pain to hurt. It's not my loss to live through.

Or is it? The only thing that stays the same, is change. My nephews will always be my nephews. Will I be able to create a new relationship with their mother? I don't know. At this point, no. I have hope for the future but I'll admit, I'm scared.

Hollywood Farm Girl

Dear Hollywood Farm Girl,

I'm sending you a message via the universe. Somehow I know you'll get the message whether it's from my blog or some other way. It's meant to get to you.

Yes, I'm a huge fan of your wife's and sometimes feel overwhelmed with the thought of how different (dare I say empty?) my life would have been without her music but that's not why I'm here. I'm here to tell you how much your blog means and has meant to me. Thank you for the thoughts, the laughter, the tears, the joy, for sharing your love, your fears, your pain, your laughter, your children, your wife, and your life. I have enjoyed each entry as if I'd picked up the phone and had a conversation with a wonderful friend.

Most recently, I read with tears in my eyes your blog regarding Suzanne Pleshette's passing and understood so well the pain of having to "let go with the fingers". My Dad was my biggest fan. He loved me unconditionally and was very proud of me. In 2004 I had to let go with my fingers and of course, my heart still won't let go. I understand that when someone passes that almost instantly they are no longer "attached" to their physical body as it is just a vehicle for moving through this dimension and when they move on they're done with it. I find it hard to believe that one day I won't care what my hair looks like :-) but if it means seeing my sweet Daddy again I'm all for it.

Please keep blogging when you can, T! It's cool how we can affect others in a profound way and it's more cool to find someone who knows this and uses this gift to affect the universe in a positive way.

Love from a stranger-friend.

Mel

Jason and Rachael

I have 4 nephews and
right now, no nieces
I love my boys --
Chase, Brady, Preston
The Babies that
I love to LOVE ON!!
"Kisses from Aunt Mellie!!"
Jason Jones, my eldest nephew
Only son of my brother
Kenny.
Jason graduated
this year from the
University of Georgia.
At UGA he met my
soon to be niece, Rachael
I love her -- she is so
very special. I'm so
happy for Jason that
at this young stage of
his life he's found
such a wonderful partner,
a life partner, someone to
help him grow and become
even more of a wonderful
man than he already is.
Congrats Jason!!
YOU DID IT SO WELL!!
I love you both.
Aunt Mellie

Progress Report

I want to write this down because it's very exciting and I want to remember it in the future. Maybe that's why I write every post. Hmm, and DUH I guess. :)

I've worked at my job for 2 years and 5 days. Telecom Network Solutions, TNS for short. We have just been asked to do work in the Caribbean and I've gotten my passport and my name is going on the company down there, etc. etc. My life is gradually but then again quickly taking a turn for the better. My health, my work, my relationships, my interests, everything. The depression has lifted and other than my weight, which I'm trying to work on in a healthy way, I'm pleased with the way things have been going.

In a few months or a year I'd like to check back on this and see where I was now. Do you know that everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen is all happening at once? Interesting, Quantum Physics. My next big interest I think. :)

Lovin' the flute by the way.

Dreamin'

Had a dream last night
I was in a boat
sort of a canoe but bigger
floating down a jungle-looking
waterway and
at the end was
My Daddy!
We fished together on
worms, he dropped them
down an embankment
and I scrambled to get
them for him just to
make him proud.
Then, I got a hug
from my Daddy -- it was
so wonderful. I woke up
HAPPY!!
Thanks for visiting
DADDY! I LOVE YOU!!!!

The Flute

A dream.
To one day play the flute with a group, band, orchestra, whatever.

This was part of my childhood that I really enjoyed, The Band.
In The Band I found my first true love.

So I've bought a flute, student, Yamaha.
I have my first lesson on Wednesday.

August 29th 2007 the beginning of a dream come true.

Thank you for the inspiration.

:)

Trivial?

A thought . . .

Never
let your life
become
so trivial
that
the trivial things
matter.

Hello Daddy

The 3rd anniversary of my Daddy's passing has come and gone. I was so sad, so intent on remembering both the several days before and after his death date. I ordered flowers for the alter at Mother's church, in memory of Dad, in honor of Mother. I miss him so much. Does he have the slightest idea how much I miss him? God, I hope so!!

What I wouldn't give to call him up just for a second ~ Hi Daddy! I would say. I love you!! Are you ok? Sweet Jesus how hard it is to lose your Daddy. Was there something I could have done to keep him here? I don't think so but looking back there are so many signs that MAYBE should have been recognized. All I know is that I failed him in that way. I try not to second guess myself but it's so hard because I desperately miss him. I want to say Hello Daddy out loud to the man I called daddy. Not to the air. Not to the computer. To him. Hello sweet Daddy. Do you know how much I miss you? How much I want to call you on the phone? How much I want to hear from you? I can't wait to see you. I'm so looking forward to that day. I'm going to scream from the rooftops. Today I'm going to Finally see my Daddy.

Will the pain ever get better? I don't know . . . I hate not knowing . . .

Somewhere my Daddy is and I'm trying to get a message to him. Daddy do you hear me? Daddy can you see me? Daddy can you hug me? I love you so much. Please don't forget me. Please be happy. That's all I ever wanted.

Asking

Things
are better.

How did it happen?
I don't know entirely.
Oh, I know I worked on it
but how amazing that it works!!

Ask and you shall receive

Before you even ask, it is given

I ask for the following:

To make the repairs
necessary to sell my house

To purchase a new home
large enough for us and maybe mother

To purchase the RV of our dreams

To purchase a Tundra for me
and an FJ for the Bevo

To enjoy Bevo's new JOB!!

To love everyone

To let the negatives roll off
like water on a duck's back

To feel good

To exercise

To eat the best I know how

Ask and it is already given!!!

I'm SO EXCITED!!

I AM

I am wealth,
I am abundance,
I am joy.

My new phrase
I am wealth,
I am abundance,
I am joy.

I say it
over
and
over.

What I tell the universe
it not only believes
but creates.

I have wealth
I have abundance
I have joy
I have love
I have contentment.

My life is just beginning
just beginning to make sense . . .
sort of
can't say I understand
all of it
but
some
things
are
falling
into
place.

Something

Searching
searching
searching

What's next?

I think maybe it's true
I picked this and worrying
about it isn't the best use
of my life

But, what exactly did I pick?
Indecision
Sadness
Lack of direction

Sometimes the drinking
smoking
drug
life of yesterday is really appealing
What keeps me from not going there?
The knowledge that there's nothing there either

So, where is something?

If I knew that one day
I would find something
that fulfills my life
I wouldn't worry so much

but I can't help but think
that what I'm doing now
is not helping me get
to where I want to be
and I don't know
what to change to correct
my course since I don't
even know what that
course is :(

I
can
only
pray
Dear God, show me the way

Good Things

Is the difference
all in my thoughts?

Am I one way and
she another
because of how
we think of
ourselves?

I AM
powerful
happy
joyous
creative
successful
prosperous
healthy
kind
loving
gentle
strong
powerful (again)

My spirit drinks in the good thoughts
to bring about the change it desires
some things must go
the clutter
the dirt
the negative

Only
light
light
light

and
love

It Speaks to Me

Obsessed?
maybe but call it what you will
the music speaks to my heart
and I'm not the only one.

Her soul speaks to us too ~
big shoes to be in
and I know she's aware of it
she talks about it and
throws it back to us
her audience
take it with you she says
and so I try

Not that I think she's
got more figured out than I do
It takes some knowledge to be able to listen,
understanding to know what you've been
reminded of

But I appreciate the reminder
I appreciate the bond of mutual
knowing
and I appreciate the feeling of
not being alone in the world

Thanks
for the
music
spirit
truth
love

6 days in Indiana

Once a year, the weekend after Father's Day, there is a Jones reunion in Indiana. Daddy died in 2004 and I've wanted to attend ever since. Actually, I wanted to attend with him prior to that but Mother was so sick and we could never work it out. Anyway in 2004, after he died, I wanted to go but I worked for a mortgage company and you don't leave work at a mortgage company at the end of the month. Finally, here it is 2006, and I now work for a telecommunciations company -- actually, I'm a VP so leaving at the end of the month is allowed. :)

So, on June 21st of this year, Mother and I flew to Indianapolis and enjoyed 6 days in Indiana!

Day 1 -- we arrived in Indianapolis at 12:06 in time for lunch. The nicest lady helped me get Mother (who goes through airports in a wheelchair) to the Hertz counter. Then she helped us get our luggage out to the curb where Hertz DELIVERED our car to us! I had no idea that could happen. My experience with rental cars is you get on a shuttle bus with your substantial luggage and go to a remote facility to pick up your car. Thank you HERTZ!! Interestingly enough, my Dad's favorite car when I was a child was a blue and white Grand Prix. When I reserved the car with Hertz I thought I would get a Taurus -- they gave me a Grand Prix. We decided it was what Daddy wanted for our trip and were grateful he was with us!!

Once the car was brought to us we drove to Lynhurst Drive to find our hotel -- the Quality Inn & Suites. I had read a review online of this hotel and a restaurant called "Indy's" that was great! so I was definitely looking forward to lunch at this restaurant. They did not disappoint. Over the next 20 hrs we ate there 3 times and planned to come back for lunch on Monday on our way to the airport for our flight home. The rest of the day was spent resting, reading, the drug store -- sort of a chill and recover day.

Day 2 -- Up and out of the Quality Inn and to Indy's for breakfast. The Outrageous Omlet was our choice and I mean this was the BEST omlet either of us had EVER eaten. Thank you Indy's!!
Next, a country drive to Medaryville, Indiana, home of my Daddy's only sister, Leona Pullins. She works for Pulaski Service Center -- a senior center -- where she is the director. We ate lunch with the seniors and enjoyed it immensely!! The next stop was the grocery store in Francesville where we bought the ingredients to make potato salad and 5 cup salad. We went back to her house and made the salads and then headed to Independence Cemetary where many relatives, including my grandparents and great-grandparents, are buried. We also went to Newland, where Daddy mainly grew up. There is no house -- just a field where there was once a house. Then on to Pizza King, the only fast food in Medaryville, to order dinner out. Aunt Leona had made homemade cheesecake and we ate cheesecake, cantaloupe, and pizza like pigs. Pizza King has yummy pizza! We enjoyed Aunt Leona's hospitality and her beautiful home immensely.

Day3 -- We said goodbye to Leona as she left for work and headed back to Lafayette, IN where we met up with Kenny II and Wesley and their families including Deborah, Jason, Chase, Lori, Brady, and Lori's mom, Mary. Mother and I rented a suite at the Holiday Inn City Centre so everyone would have a place to lounge around and take a shower. We swam in the indoor pool with Chase and Brady. Chase got a case of hives and Wes and Lori took him to the doctor. He's fine and off we went to dinner at an Italian restaurant. The sweetest thing was a gift from Lori to me, Kenny, and Mother -- a framed picture of my Daddy -- his graduation from high school. It was very special!!

Day 4 -- REUNION DAY: Mother and I ate room service and she made biscuits to go out of the leftovers!! We headed to the park in San Pierre, IN where we saw so many cousins we haven't seen since we were kids (and I'm 44 at this writing). The food was good and so many wonderful people similar to my Dad. A very special day! After the reunion, Mother and I went to Uncle David and Aunt Alice's home in Wheatfield. We enjoyed hamburgers for dinner and lots of chatting and laughing.

Day 5 -- Uncle David didn't sleep well so we didn't see him all day. Aunt Alice let us fix our breakfast and then we headed out to see where Uncle Bob lives and Aunt Pat. Also, where Wheatfield High School once stood, which is where Daddy graduated. I took a picture of the plaque that remains, to go along with my picture of him I was given the other night. Do you know where corn comes from? Well, let me tell you -- maybe not all of it, but A LOT of it is grown in Indiana. It's so beautiful. When we went to Indiana as kids the corn was always over our heads. You'd drive down the road and could see nothing but corn because you couldn't see over the corn!!

Day 6 -- Mother and I had a 6AM wake-up call to get on the road by 7:30. Aunt Alice has her insurance business in her home and we want to be out before her day begins. Besides that, we want to be in Indianapolis in time for one more meal at Indy's!! :) As I loaded the car on the"business entrance" side of my Aunt and Uncle's home, I looked up and there were 3 deer, a doe and 2 fawns. I just stood there amazed that they were there. I thanked the doe for sharing her beautiful children with me then went inside to tell my family about it.

Happy Birthday MLE!

Happy
Birthday
Melissa
Etheridge

Thanks
for the
music!

Hope
your
day
was
wonderful!!!!!!

Once

Once you were a friend of mine
now I struggle to keep my distance

What did I learn that was so bad
that you will hurt for no reason
that it doesn't matter to you how
people feel, including me
that to be able to hurt someone
is your biggest entertainment

So I called you friend once
I'm not sure how and
now I mourn a friend gone
I still love you but never
again will I let myself be
vulnerable to your
stinging
slapping
hateful
words

You must be so lonely