Something

Searching
searching
searching

What's next?

I think maybe it's true
I picked this and worrying
about it isn't the best use
of my life

But, what exactly did I pick?
Indecision
Sadness
Lack of direction

Sometimes the drinking
smoking
drug
life of yesterday is really appealing
What keeps me from not going there?
The knowledge that there's nothing there either

So, where is something?

If I knew that one day
I would find something
that fulfills my life
I wouldn't worry so much

but I can't help but think
that what I'm doing now
is not helping me get
to where I want to be
and I don't know
what to change to correct
my course since I don't
even know what that
course is :(

I
can
only
pray
Dear God, show me the way

Good Things

Is the difference
all in my thoughts?

Am I one way and
she another
because of how
we think of
ourselves?

I AM
powerful
happy
joyous
creative
successful
prosperous
healthy
kind
loving
gentle
strong
powerful (again)

My spirit drinks in the good thoughts
to bring about the change it desires
some things must go
the clutter
the dirt
the negative

Only
light
light
light

and
love

It Speaks to Me

Obsessed?
maybe but call it what you will
the music speaks to my heart
and I'm not the only one.

Her soul speaks to us too ~
big shoes to be in
and I know she's aware of it
she talks about it and
throws it back to us
her audience
take it with you she says
and so I try

Not that I think she's
got more figured out than I do
It takes some knowledge to be able to listen,
understanding to know what you've been
reminded of

But I appreciate the reminder
I appreciate the bond of mutual
knowing
and I appreciate the feeling of
not being alone in the world

Thanks
for the
music
spirit
truth
love

6 days in Indiana

Once a year, the weekend after Father's Day, there is a Jones reunion in Indiana. Daddy died in 2004 and I've wanted to attend ever since. Actually, I wanted to attend with him prior to that but Mother was so sick and we could never work it out. Anyway in 2004, after he died, I wanted to go but I worked for a mortgage company and you don't leave work at a mortgage company at the end of the month. Finally, here it is 2006, and I now work for a telecommunciations company -- actually, I'm a VP so leaving at the end of the month is allowed. :)

So, on June 21st of this year, Mother and I flew to Indianapolis and enjoyed 6 days in Indiana!

Day 1 -- we arrived in Indianapolis at 12:06 in time for lunch. The nicest lady helped me get Mother (who goes through airports in a wheelchair) to the Hertz counter. Then she helped us get our luggage out to the curb where Hertz DELIVERED our car to us! I had no idea that could happen. My experience with rental cars is you get on a shuttle bus with your substantial luggage and go to a remote facility to pick up your car. Thank you HERTZ!! Interestingly enough, my Dad's favorite car when I was a child was a blue and white Grand Prix. When I reserved the car with Hertz I thought I would get a Taurus -- they gave me a Grand Prix. We decided it was what Daddy wanted for our trip and were grateful he was with us!!

Once the car was brought to us we drove to Lynhurst Drive to find our hotel -- the Quality Inn & Suites. I had read a review online of this hotel and a restaurant called "Indy's" that was great! so I was definitely looking forward to lunch at this restaurant. They did not disappoint. Over the next 20 hrs we ate there 3 times and planned to come back for lunch on Monday on our way to the airport for our flight home. The rest of the day was spent resting, reading, the drug store -- sort of a chill and recover day.

Day 2 -- Up and out of the Quality Inn and to Indy's for breakfast. The Outrageous Omlet was our choice and I mean this was the BEST omlet either of us had EVER eaten. Thank you Indy's!!
Next, a country drive to Medaryville, Indiana, home of my Daddy's only sister, Leona Pullins. She works for Pulaski Service Center -- a senior center -- where she is the director. We ate lunch with the seniors and enjoyed it immensely!! The next stop was the grocery store in Francesville where we bought the ingredients to make potato salad and 5 cup salad. We went back to her house and made the salads and then headed to Independence Cemetary where many relatives, including my grandparents and great-grandparents, are buried. We also went to Newland, where Daddy mainly grew up. There is no house -- just a field where there was once a house. Then on to Pizza King, the only fast food in Medaryville, to order dinner out. Aunt Leona had made homemade cheesecake and we ate cheesecake, cantaloupe, and pizza like pigs. Pizza King has yummy pizza! We enjoyed Aunt Leona's hospitality and her beautiful home immensely.

Day3 -- We said goodbye to Leona as she left for work and headed back to Lafayette, IN where we met up with Kenny II and Wesley and their families including Deborah, Jason, Chase, Lori, Brady, and Lori's mom, Mary. Mother and I rented a suite at the Holiday Inn City Centre so everyone would have a place to lounge around and take a shower. We swam in the indoor pool with Chase and Brady. Chase got a case of hives and Wes and Lori took him to the doctor. He's fine and off we went to dinner at an Italian restaurant. The sweetest thing was a gift from Lori to me, Kenny, and Mother -- a framed picture of my Daddy -- his graduation from high school. It was very special!!

Day 4 -- REUNION DAY: Mother and I ate room service and she made biscuits to go out of the leftovers!! We headed to the park in San Pierre, IN where we saw so many cousins we haven't seen since we were kids (and I'm 44 at this writing). The food was good and so many wonderful people similar to my Dad. A very special day! After the reunion, Mother and I went to Uncle David and Aunt Alice's home in Wheatfield. We enjoyed hamburgers for dinner and lots of chatting and laughing.

Day 5 -- Uncle David didn't sleep well so we didn't see him all day. Aunt Alice let us fix our breakfast and then we headed out to see where Uncle Bob lives and Aunt Pat. Also, where Wheatfield High School once stood, which is where Daddy graduated. I took a picture of the plaque that remains, to go along with my picture of him I was given the other night. Do you know where corn comes from? Well, let me tell you -- maybe not all of it, but A LOT of it is grown in Indiana. It's so beautiful. When we went to Indiana as kids the corn was always over our heads. You'd drive down the road and could see nothing but corn because you couldn't see over the corn!!

Day 6 -- Mother and I had a 6AM wake-up call to get on the road by 7:30. Aunt Alice has her insurance business in her home and we want to be out before her day begins. Besides that, we want to be in Indianapolis in time for one more meal at Indy's!! :) As I loaded the car on the"business entrance" side of my Aunt and Uncle's home, I looked up and there were 3 deer, a doe and 2 fawns. I just stood there amazed that they were there. I thanked the doe for sharing her beautiful children with me then went inside to tell my family about it.

Happy Birthday MLE!

Happy
Birthday
Melissa
Etheridge

Thanks
for the
music!

Hope
your
day
was
wonderful!!!!!!

Once

Once you were a friend of mine
now I struggle to keep my distance

What did I learn that was so bad
that you will hurt for no reason
that it doesn't matter to you how
people feel, including me
that to be able to hurt someone
is your biggest entertainment

So I called you friend once
I'm not sure how and
now I mourn a friend gone
I still love you but never
again will I let myself be
vulnerable to your
stinging
slapping
hateful
words

You must be so lonely

April

When the flowers bloom
and the dogwoods bloom
and the tomatoes start to grow
It ought to be happy
and fun and bright
but my sweet Daddy died in
April and all I do is
wish
that
he
could
say
hello
to me . . .
I love you Daddy

and so it shall be

Someone said
there is no darkness, only absence of light

Now
there is no evil, only absence of goodness

The universe does not differentiate
between "good" and "bad" . . .
the law says, "create what she believes"
and so it does.

I believe
I am prosperous
happy
healthy
joyful
slender
calm and peaceful.

And so it is . . .

2006

Welcome to 2006
What happened to the last 6 years?
Seems like yesterday we were worried over Y2K
bizarre what the human race comes up with to fret over

I'm good
blah really
waiting on 2006
to write on
my story

I love you Daddy, happy birthday

Biggest Loser

So I walked into
Curves
and they said
Hey, it's our #1
loser!
"loser?"
9.5 lbs
6.75 inches

what made me
a big loser!
really made me
the big winner!

congrats self!!

Happy Day

Happy
really
back at work
back on a diet
back working out
back to the routine
looking forward
to the next
get away!

Lovin' on the Babies

Going to KC
for
Thanksgiving
this year . . .

My nephews
are 7 1/2 months
and 22 months ~
They're a
handful their
Dad says . .

my baby
brother ~
a Dad

I just
love
them
and
the
yumminess
of
kissing
on them

Thanks
Wes
for
being
a
Dad
so
I can love on the babies.

Hi Brady!
Hi Chase!
Your
Aunt Mellie
loves you!!

Gone Again

Have you
ever felt
that just
below the
surface of your
conscious mind
is something else,
something you
almost remember
or
almost forgot?

a vague feeling
of falling . .

a recognition
and then
gone again

Sometimes it
has to do with a
person
sometimes
a thing . .

Exciting and
then
gone . .

again

Strong Coffee

He would have liked it
strong and black with
a little cream . . .

I made it for us
me and my Daddy
couldn't help but
think of him
couldn't help but
cry

I miss him so bad

Daddy,
I love you.

Sad Really

I
don't
believe
that it
can ever
again be
as wonderful
as it was
when
so
many
years
ago
she
would
call
and
my
heart
would
stop

Living
life
does
things
to
a
person

I
will
be
surprised
if I
ever
feel
so
young
again

Maybe
life
will
surprise
me
but
I
doubt
it

sad
really

Aunt Jean

I had a dream last night

I was watching a movie on tv
and my Aunt Jean
screamed at me . . .
"Melonie! Get over here
and do my hair!!"

I always loved my
Aunt Jean and at one
time . . she loved me too.

2 years ago today

2 years ago today
I lit my last
took a shower
put on the patch

2 years ago today
I gave it up
said I'm done
enough's enough

2 years ago today
it amazes me still
that 2 years ago today
a goal I fulfilled.

My how time flies!

Hate the World Day

Sometimes ~

I hate the world

I don't know why

Everything annoys me

Everyone wants something
from me
It's all take take take
my money
my time
my strength
my energy

PMS?
probably
depression?
not again

I'm sick of it
I'm tired of it

I don't feel loved
I don't feel cared about
I don't feel good and
I don't want to feel anything . . .

13 Fish on 1 Worm

When I was young
my family went on vacation
Wisconsin I think
maybe Minnesota
my Mom
my Dad
two brothers
and me

Camping was inexpensive
I later found out
I just thought it was fun
and
Daddy liked to fish
and I liked to
eat the fish!

We got in a row boat
and went fishing
His middle name
must have been
"patience"
How else do you fish
with 3 kids in a row boat??

I got a bite!!

I pulled in the
first fish
and was excited
that I had enough
worm left to
fish again!

Caught #2
and #3

they ate the head
and the tail
off the worm,
how do you know which is which?
4
5
6
a stump of a worm
but I'll try again
7
8
9
poor worm is bird feed
I'll throw it in again anyway
10
11
12
a shiny gold hook
is all that's left
who's looking?
will the fish eat the hook?
13
BINGO!

I have a picture of that stringer
and me and my DAD!

The FIRST

I've always had a lot to say
but never have consistently
written anything down
Maybe this BLOG will help
So here's my first

Life is better than it was
lost my Dad April 04
Went to therapy
my job sucked
got on anti-depressants
gained 25 pounds
depressing

July 05
got off anti-depressants
had brain zaps
managers got fired
got a new job
depression coming back
what's up with that???
adrenal fatigue
now it's
herbs
diet
exercise
friendship
family

Some of it's still rough
but I'm getting there.