Peace be with Me

It occurs to me today,

That I have not been totally peaceful since that time,

The time that you and I were together,

and all that mattered was us.

And is that because I was suppose to live a life of unrest,

Never quite being satisfied,

Always wanting something more exciting to hang onto?

I honestly don't know and could guess but feel the need to think a little longer...

Deborah, My Sister

Happy Birthday, Deb!

I miss you so much.
I had no idea how much I would miss you.
Thank you for being my sister.
Thank you for being Kenny's rock.
I love you and I pray for you.

Today, on what would have been your 70th birthday,
I send to you thousands of yellow roses.

I hope heaven is beautiful for you.
xoxoxo Much love always,

Melonie

Write it all down and release

I apologize

I forgive you

I forgive myself

I release my stress

Just breathe . . .

I am grateful

I am blessed

I am loved

I am wealth

I am abundance

I am joy

I am all there is

I am meant to be here

I am learning

It is ok that I am not perfect

I am ok

TAX DATE 2022

On a typical tax date you retired.  I know how absolutely thrilled you are with your new home and things to go in it.  I'm so excited for you both.  

Today, I talked to you for what felt like the last time.  I know in my heart it's not the last time but it felt that way and I know why and it's ok.  Still, when we hung up the phone I had tears in my eyes.

One thing is for sure . . .  that day in February, 1977 destroyed both of us.  Yes by god we LOVE THEM and 'til death do us part.  We know, we get it, and we want it to be that way.  But, I can tell you that deep, down inside I am dying.  The thoughts are many.  How come TK can talk to you whenever he wants and I can't?  How's that for bratty?  LOL  There's more.

If I had it to do over I would ask my parents to please let me go.  I'd tell them to leave it unresolved would destroy the rest of my life.  We needed a resolution.  Not one controlled by other people - one of our own choosing.  Even the last time you left we didn't do it because we fell out of love.  We did it because I needed to be single and you needed a partner.  As if, once I got away from my parents I would never again allow anyone to call the shots for me.

I've not had a healthy relationship since.  I don't have a best friend.  I don't trust most people to even help me think things through or share with them.  I know you've had better relationships with some people but I also know you've dealt with anxiety and other ailments as a result of this (and other things).  We were literally destroyed.  If my wife weren't the person she is, she would have left me long ago.  

So, now what?  Thankfully, we're closer to the end.  My heart wants you to thoroughly enjoy every single day of your retirement.  I hope I get to visit and I hope one day I get to retire.  I hope one day my stomach will release the knots.  It's time to go forward rather than back.  I will always love you with all of my heart and I'll see you on the other side if nowhere else.  But I don't think it's EVER going to end.  Now to make that ok.  ILD

February 1977

Is it possible to remember the details?

It was February 1977 - what day?  Who knows . . . somewhere in that 28 days we said good-bye and left our crazy world forever.  We couldn't get it back - we tried - more than once.  I remember your coat - plaid - you wore it often.  Your glasses, your face, your hair, your lips - god, I loved you. You brought me cigarettes - 2 packs.  I have no memory of Willie Nelson, Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain - you said it was raining - we were both destroyed.  I went back to the room I was moving out of and on the orange carpeted floor, among the piles of boxes, I screamed at GOD - "please, don't ever let me see her again if this is wrong!"  

It was over, done - or was it?  I went on.  You went on.  Contact happened, back and forth, push and pull.  I honestly lost track of how many times you pulled me close and pushed me away based on your need to do what you felt was right.  The way the tapestry thread of our love wove in and out of my life is something I look back on and smile.  It's gold and shiny and soft and loving.  I love you.  There are no conditions attached.  I just love you.   

o. k.

I can feel the walls
and it's ok with me
because I know the truth

Don't wrap it in regret
It's ok, it'll always be o. k.

Once

Once

I wrote only of sadness

and heartache

and the ruins of everything.

But, you know what?

I AM grateful for this wonderful life and everything in it.

The lessons of love, joy, sorrow, and heartache all bring me closer to understanding who I am.  

I AM wealth
I AM abundance
I AM joy, and
I AM grateful for it all.

Thank you, dear Universe! 

4 years ago today

May 20, 2016

I woke around 6:15.  I walked downstairs to get some coffee but first to check on my Mother.  She was in a hospice bed and I knew she was close to death.  She hadn't been awake for almost 2 days.  Unconscious. 

I walked into her room and I really don't know what I did past that except I kissed her on the forehead, told her it wouldn't be long, and told her I loved her.  I walked out of the room and went to the coffee pot.  When I came back past the room, my wife was in the room with her.  She looked up at me and said "I think she's gone." 

I loved her and she loved me.  A life of misunderstandings and heartache, we never saw eye to eye.  But I DID love her and I still do.  She's my Mommy.  She's who I wish for when I don't feel good.  She's who I call on when I'm trying to cook something new (such a good cook, she was!).  She's the one whose presence I can smell in the house when I walk near her room. 

Nope, it wasn't perfect but it wasn't suppose to be!  Lessons we both learned - whoa, tough ones.  Forgiveness.  Tough.  Whew.  I love you, Mommy.  Rest.  Until I see you again. xoxoxo

Me again

Maybe
Maybe if I write this down
Maybe I'll feel better

Family is tough
and for the most part
I've avoided most of it
the family I mean

Having a homosexual life
in a homophobic family
is not the easiest thing
but hey,
I've made it and loved them anyway.

But now, they want things from me I'm not willing to give
Like hospitality
Food
Funding
Good feelings
A welcome heart

I don't feel able to give
what I did not receive.

Love, love, love, love
Why can't I just feel the love and let it roll off
Like a duck's back

Roll
Roll
Roll

Someday
in my own time
I'll be ready.

Right now
I'm not.

Some Day

Some day
she will say

Oh . . .
I get it.  I never got it before
but now I do.

What makes us grow up?
What triggers the understanding of life?
What makes us "see" everything clearly?

Some day
she will say

I am
and
it will be the difference between mist and clarity.
Seeing the big picture
causes
peace.

S-A-D

I guess it's hormonal.

I'm so S-A-D and
when I get sad like this
I start thinking of all
of the things that make
me sad and I get
more sad.

Why do I do this to myself?
I try to talk myself out of it
but it's rare (if ever, not sure)
that I can do that.

I'm just so sad . . .

Why write now?

Why post only when I'm feeling down?
What a waste of good feelings
Never to be posted
I wish I could get some more sleep
I wish my school work was complete for the week
I wish we were ready to move
We love love love our new house (a good feeling!)
I miss my Daddy so much
I'm starting my last year before turning 50!
Holy Crap!
Is that it?
My last day as a 48 year old
I don't want to feel yucky the entire day!
30 minute nap and off I go
I miss my Daddy . . .

Muramatsu

I bought a flute!
A beautiful, shiney, handmade Muramatsu flute.

My teacher told me about the Atlanta Flute Fair put on by the Atlanta Flute Club. I joined the club and went to the fair and bought a flute! Nancy was there to help me pick it out, to tell me if you will which one I sound better on. I do not sound good, let me tell you. The new flute did increase the notes I can play and has allowed me to feel more confident with my playing. However, I still have a long, long way to go.

That's ok. I play flute for me and me only if I have to. I am looking for a community group to play with though. That's a dream I'll hopefully fulfill one day.

The flute was a dream, a dream fulfilled.

It's coming

There's something better for you out there

Something wiser
Something sweeter
Something bluer or greener
Something taller or smaller
Something made just for you

It's meant to be
You will find it
and the bloody eye
will be whole again

The laughter and the twinkle
will return
and you will no longer wish
that hollywood would dissolve into thin air.

Ideal Protein

I FINALLY found a diet that works!
It's called Ideal Protein
Developed by a French doctor
For their athletes to lose fat but
not muscle.

I started it on December 9th 2009.
As of today I've lost 24.5 lbs!!
Whoo Hoo! I'm not starving
I'm not hungry
I'm not feeling deprived.

By this summer I "might" be
able to wear a decent looking
bathing suit

What do you think, self?
I think I'm so proud of YOU!

:)

The End of 2009

Another year come and gone . . .
and what did I learn?

not sure
nothing to say
nothing to think

Trips?
Let's see
Did I go anywhere?
Oh, yes, Edisto Island twice this year!
Chicago!
Kansas for a beautiful wedding

Started a diet on December 9th
and so far have lost 10.7 lbs.
Good job -- feeling good about that
maybe a nice bathing suit this
summer
might buy myself a tan, lol

oh well, on to 2010!
looking forward to it

Mother

The aging process of my mother is driving me nuts. I want her to be happy but she refuses and wants to make me her happiness. She calls me every day, all day long. Not every once in a while to chat and say hello but long, needy calls full of "I need this and I need that". She wants me to feel sorry for her and "understand" how lonely she is. I cannot make a life for her. As much as I wish I could wave my wand and she'd be well and happy with tons of friends -- I just can't.

On the other hand, I don't want her to die either. The process is destroying me. I'm so tired. I'm so emotional. I can never get away from her neediness but then I feel guilty because ultimately she will die and then what? Then I can feel bad for being so angry with her? Thanks a lot for that!

I started a new diet today and I guess I'm not feeling too stable. I have Christmas wrapping to do (haven't started, ok I did ONE!). My company Christmas party is Friday. I have reports and paperwork and BONDS, omg BONDS! to get done and my mother will not go and try to start a life for herself and just give me a break for a few days. Just a few days. Just a few hours of peace. Don't ask me where I am or what I'm doing or tell me what you need or how the food isn't good or the people aren't friendly or whatever your life problem is today -- just a break, just for a few days.

F-L-U-T-E

8 minutes until I leave work for my flute lesson

The flute is amazing to me.
A way to make music that I love.
A gift I gave to myself.

The flute.

My Uncle Dennis upgraded
my flute to an Armstrong and now I
have a hard time playing my Yamaha.

Soon I will have a new flute.
Flute, flute, flute
Flute collector?
Flute player?
Flutist

I love the flute!

Space

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes there is nothing to do but write.
I'm helpless to do anything else.
The anger and pain are what she wanted.
Why did she succeed?
Why did she want to succeed?
Why would anyone want to hurt someone so badly?

It's hard to imagine that she won't somehow be reminded of
the pain she's inflicted with some back at her.
I guess she feels justified.
She's already hurt and this is vindication.

But somewhere deep inside I know
that this pain will cost her dearly
it will cost her the trust of her children.

They'll always love her . . . and so they should,
but TRUST? True, genuine, trust
They'll save that for their sweet Daddy.
A Daddy as sweet as my own.
A Daddy whose children will someday mourn his death
and wish that they had had more time because he's
the one that they knew, beyond any limits of space and time,
loved them like no other.

God, please help us all heal and remain
forever dipped in
Love, Love, Love, Love, Love

I don't know how to fix it except
to keep loving and praying.

Happy Birthday Melissa

May the Gods sing you a beautiful song today and always!