February 1977

Is it possible to remember the details?

It was February 1977 - what day?  Who knows . . . somewhere in that 28 days we said good-bye and left our crazy world forever.  We couldn't get it back - we tried - more than once.  I remember your coat - plaid - you wore it often.  Your glasses, your face, your hair, your lips - god, I loved you. You brought me cigarettes - 2 packs.  I have no memory of Willie Nelson, Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain - you said it was raining - we were both destroyed.  I went back to the room I was moving out of and on the orange carpeted floor, among the piles of boxes, I screamed at GOD - "please, don't ever let me see her again if this is wrong!"  

It was over, done - or was it?  I went on.  You went on.  Contact happened, back and forth, push and pull.  I honestly lost track of how many times you pulled me close and pushed me away based on your need to do what you felt was right.  The way the tapestry thread of our love wove in and out of my life is something I look back on and smile.  It's gold and shiny and soft and loving.  I love you.  There are no conditions attached.  I just love you.   

o. k.

I can feel the walls
and it's ok with me
because I know the truth

Don't wrap it in regret
It's ok, it'll always be o. k.

Once

Once

I wrote only of sadness

and heartache

and the ruins of everything.

But, you know what?

I AM grateful for this wonderful life and everything in it.

The lessons of love, joy, sorrow, and heartache all bring me closer to understanding who I am.  

I AM wealth
I AM abundance
I AM joy, and
I AM grateful for it all.

Thank you, dear Universe! 

4 years ago today

May 20, 2016

I woke around 6:15.  I walked downstairs to get some coffee but first to check on my Mother.  She was in a hospice bed and I knew she was close to death.  She hadn't been awake for almost 2 days.  Unconscious. 

I walked into her room and I really don't know what I did past that except I kissed her on the forehead, told her it wouldn't be long, and told her I loved her.  I walked out of the room and went to the coffee pot.  When I came back past the room, my wife was in the room with her.  She looked up at me and said "I think she's gone." 

I loved her and she loved me.  A life of misunderstandings and heartache, we never saw eye to eye.  But I DID love her and I still do.  She's my Mommy.  She's who I wish for when I don't feel good.  She's who I call on when I'm trying to cook something new (such a good cook, she was!).  She's the one whose presence I can smell in the house when I walk near her room. 

Nope, it wasn't perfect but it wasn't suppose to be!  Lessons we both learned - whoa, tough ones.  Forgiveness.  Tough.  Whew.  I love you, Mommy.  Rest.  Until I see you again. xoxoxo

Me again

Maybe
Maybe if I write this down
Maybe I'll feel better

Family is tough
and for the most part
I've avoided most of it
the family I mean

Having a homosexual life
in a homophobic family
is not the easiest thing
but hey,
I've made it and loved them anyway.

But now, they want things from me I'm not willing to give
Like hospitality
Food
Funding
Good feelings
A welcome heart

I don't feel able to give
what I did not receive.

Love, love, love, love
Why can't I just feel the love and let it roll off
Like a duck's back

Roll
Roll
Roll

Someday
in my own time
I'll be ready.

Right now
I'm not.

Some Day

Some day
she will say

Oh . . .
I get it.  I never got it before
but now I do.

What makes us grow up?
What triggers the understanding of life?
What makes us "see" everything clearly?

Some day
she will say

I am
and
it will be the difference between mist and clarity.
Seeing the big picture
causes
peace.

S-A-D

I guess it's hormonal.

I'm so S-A-D and
when I get sad like this
I start thinking of all
of the things that make
me sad and I get
more sad.

Why do I do this to myself?
I try to talk myself out of it
but it's rare (if ever, not sure)
that I can do that.

I'm just so sad . . .

Why write now?

Why post only when I'm feeling down?
What a waste of good feelings
Never to be posted
I wish I could get some more sleep
I wish my school work was complete for the week
I wish we were ready to move
We love love love our new house (a good feeling!)
I miss my Daddy so much
I'm starting my last year before turning 50!
Holy Crap!
Is that it?
My last day as a 48 year old
I don't want to feel yucky the entire day!
30 minute nap and off I go
I miss my Daddy . . .

Muramatsu

I bought a flute!
A beautiful, shiney, handmade Muramatsu flute.

My teacher told me about the Atlanta Flute Fair put on by the Atlanta Flute Club. I joined the club and went to the fair and bought a flute! Nancy was there to help me pick it out, to tell me if you will which one I sound better on. I do not sound good, let me tell you. The new flute did increase the notes I can play and has allowed me to feel more confident with my playing. However, I still have a long, long way to go.

That's ok. I play flute for me and me only if I have to. I am looking for a community group to play with though. That's a dream I'll hopefully fulfill one day.

The flute was a dream, a dream fulfilled.

It's coming

There's something better for you out there

Something wiser
Something sweeter
Something bluer or greener
Something taller or smaller
Something made just for you

It's meant to be
You will find it
and the bloody eye
will be whole again

The laughter and the twinkle
will return
and you will no longer wish
that hollywood would dissolve into thin air.

Ideal Protein

I FINALLY found a diet that works!
It's called Ideal Protein
Developed by a French doctor
For their athletes to lose fat but
not muscle.

I started it on December 9th 2009.
As of today I've lost 24.5 lbs!!
Whoo Hoo! I'm not starving
I'm not hungry
I'm not feeling deprived.

By this summer I "might" be
able to wear a decent looking
bathing suit

What do you think, self?
I think I'm so proud of YOU!

:)

The End of 2009

Another year come and gone . . .
and what did I learn?

not sure
nothing to say
nothing to think

Trips?
Let's see
Did I go anywhere?
Oh, yes, Edisto Island twice this year!
Chicago!
Kansas for a beautiful wedding

Started a diet on December 9th
and so far have lost 10.7 lbs.
Good job -- feeling good about that
maybe a nice bathing suit this
summer
might buy myself a tan, lol

oh well, on to 2010!
looking forward to it

Mother

The aging process of my mother is driving me nuts. I want her to be happy but she refuses and wants to make me her happiness. She calls me every day, all day long. Not every once in a while to chat and say hello but long, needy calls full of "I need this and I need that". She wants me to feel sorry for her and "understand" how lonely she is. I cannot make a life for her. As much as I wish I could wave my wand and she'd be well and happy with tons of friends -- I just can't.

On the other hand, I don't want her to die either. The process is destroying me. I'm so tired. I'm so emotional. I can never get away from her neediness but then I feel guilty because ultimately she will die and then what? Then I can feel bad for being so angry with her? Thanks a lot for that!

I started a new diet today and I guess I'm not feeling too stable. I have Christmas wrapping to do (haven't started, ok I did ONE!). My company Christmas party is Friday. I have reports and paperwork and BONDS, omg BONDS! to get done and my mother will not go and try to start a life for herself and just give me a break for a few days. Just a few days. Just a few hours of peace. Don't ask me where I am or what I'm doing or tell me what you need or how the food isn't good or the people aren't friendly or whatever your life problem is today -- just a break, just for a few days.

F-L-U-T-E

8 minutes until I leave work for my flute lesson

The flute is amazing to me.
A way to make music that I love.
A gift I gave to myself.

The flute.

My Uncle Dennis upgraded
my flute to an Armstrong and now I
have a hard time playing my Yamaha.

Soon I will have a new flute.
Flute, flute, flute
Flute collector?
Flute player?
Flutist

I love the flute!

Space

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes there is nothing to do but write.
I'm helpless to do anything else.
The anger and pain are what she wanted.
Why did she succeed?
Why did she want to succeed?
Why would anyone want to hurt someone so badly?

It's hard to imagine that she won't somehow be reminded of
the pain she's inflicted with some back at her.
I guess she feels justified.
She's already hurt and this is vindication.

But somewhere deep inside I know
that this pain will cost her dearly
it will cost her the trust of her children.

They'll always love her . . . and so they should,
but TRUST? True, genuine, trust
They'll save that for their sweet Daddy.
A Daddy as sweet as my own.
A Daddy whose children will someday mourn his death
and wish that they had had more time because he's
the one that they knew, beyond any limits of space and time,
loved them like no other.

God, please help us all heal and remain
forever dipped in
Love, Love, Love, Love, Love

I don't know how to fix it except
to keep loving and praying.

Happy Birthday Melissa

May the Gods sing you a beautiful song today and always!

5 years ago today

5 years ago today was the last time that I saw my sweet Daddy alive. He had asked me to take my mother shopping so she'd have something to wear for Easter. So, after work, I went and got her and he was there. He came out of the back of the house with a navy blue t-shirt on from JC Penney's (where mother had worked for 10-11 years). The shirt had children's shoes on it and I said, "Do you have Chase's shoes on your shirt?". He couldn't hear me. He was hearing double. Aneurysm? I don't know. It breaks my heart. I don't know what he died of. I was so irritated with him because he wanted me to take Mother shopping when I had to work the next day.

After we shopped we went by Atlanta Bread Company and bought sandwiches and took them home, one for him too. He still couldn't hear me talking to him, the last time I ever ate a meal with him. I was so irritated. I absolutely HATE myself for the way I felt toward him on the very last day I ever saw him and now it's been 5 years and I miss him so bad. I'm so sorry Daddy. I so hope you can read this and know how much I miss you and love you and how much I regret being so moody. I know I do it to Mother now, KNOWING any day could be my last day with her.

This time of year is so hard . . . I wonder if I'll ever feel better about losing my Dad. Somehow I don't think so.

I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU DADDY

All there is

The years come and go
but where do they go
A couple of days
A moment in time
A memory for a lifetime
Love
Love
Love . . .

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Kansas

My brother Ken and I got on an airplane on Friday and went to see our baby brother, Wes, in Kansas. We had a wonderful, marvelous time. We hadn't spent time together just the 3 of us maybe our entire adult lives and it was so amazing reconnecting with each other. We visited the WWI memorial which is the last place that Wes took our Dad before he died in 2004. We had our photo taken at the spot where they stood and looked out over KC together for the last time. We hated to leave each other behind and are hoping for more weekends like this one in our future.

I love my brothers. You guys are the BEST!!

Sis

ild

We are part of each other
In places we are one

Deny it
ignore it
shut the door on it
don't acknowledge it
pretend it's gone

That's best for now
They wouldn't understand
Maybe forever
Maybe
Maybe

Do you know that everything
that has ever happened,
is happening, or will happen
happens all at once?

An explanation for why
it is the way it is

I will never intrude on
your peaceful life, but
that won't make it
go away.

And should I feel ashamed?
It was a gift from God so
no, I won't feel ashamed or
wish it was different

It's perfect the way it is
Others need us in ways
we didn't know they would
and we're glad that they
do, still nothing can change
what was/is/shall be.

I'm still here
You're still there
Our lives were meant
to be as they are

ild