Here we are
once again.
I'm dying to call you
to hear from you
to feel you, hear your voice, anything . . .
I know why it happens
but God almighty
how it hurts -
Every.
Single.
Time.
You'd think we'd learn.
Yet, like a moth to a twin flame
We return again and again to feel it.
Just for a moment.
ILD
March 11, 2025 (although finally posted in June)
Today is a strange day. I'm enjoying working somewhat, I just made a pot of spaghetti for dinner in my new, beautiful cast iron dutch oven, and my animals seem happy. But still, I'm up and down with a depression feeling. I'm working on a very large bid for Dustin - I love working for him but I don't want to follow-through and get it done. Of course tomorrow I'll be in the office and it will all get done so maybe my motivation is headed to tomorrow. Who knows?
I miss Lance and at the same time I miss what Bev and I once had. I push it away all of the time. I miss my Mom but she didn't like me either. It's time to go into 5th dimension living and I'm ready but confusion, depression, waiting, clutter, mind craziness, on and on and on . . . like I said, just strange.
August 30, 2023 - Yesterday, you crossed that beautiful Rainbow Bridge and walked into the arms of those gone before you. How can I possibly ever stand it? You were my special baby boy - the love dog who wanted "everyone" to be ok (and in the same room). I didn't know everything you would teach me. I didn't know my heart would one day have to endure this heartbreak.
In 2010, Buddy's daycare (The Paw Pad) asked Bev if Buddy might need a brother? I instantly said "no" but when it's meant to be, it WILL be. At Christmas time that year, I went online to find "beagle" gifts for Bev. I happened to look at the website for The Paw Pad to see if they happened to carry anything and saw a picture of you. My beautiful baby boy - Charlie. I always wanted a dog named Charlie. :) (I'd tell you that over and over throughout your life.) No, it wasn't love at first sight, lol. What I noticed was that in every picture of you, there was Buddy! You two already loved each other and your Mom and I imagined that the two of you were working out a plan to get us to adopt you.
So, I gave in and Bev, Buddy, and me went to The Paw Pad to meet you. Looking back on that first meeting, when you were running in circles all around the three of us, I remember saying I didn't know about this hyperactive doggie running in circles so fast almost like a fan blade! LOL Bev assured me you were just excited and would be fine so we took you home.
For the first few years, you were Buddy's dog. After all, he picked you out! You would go outside together, lie together, play together, get your picture made together, go to daycare together, etc. You loved each other. Then, on March 30, 2018, Buddy went through the doggie door to the outside world and never returned. He laid down and passed away. I can't imagine how that day felt to you but I was determined to make your life ok. You were the doggie I wanted to make feel better and that never changed. From then on, first I saved you and then you saved me.
We had three years together before the diabetes diagnosis. You were my rock, my warmth, my heart. Mommy Bev had to work out of town and you and I became very close because we had only each other. Sometimes, I wish we had left it that way but I always wondered if you were lonely - I didn't want you to be lonely or sad or sick or depressed. I only wanted you to feel loved and happy.
In May 2021, the diabetes diagnosis came and we started the next 2.5 years of twice-daily shots, blindness, and green beans! Lord, the green beans you ate! You enjoyed many vegetables and fruits and ice cream (before the diabetes, of course). Your favorite though was CHEESE! Ugh. It made you clog up and when it did come out it would stick to your butt, lol. You got so embarrassed when I had to clean your butt. You were grateful though. You were always grateful. My grateful little boy.
Mommy and I checked every day, usually more than once, to see if you were still breathing. We knew you were getting older and that the diabetes would eventually take its toll and we loved you so much. Yesterday, your breath stopped. The hardest thing was seeing you so sick and we knew we had to let you go. We had to take that final loving step of letting you go to Buddy. Bud-Bud was there - I just know it - welcoming you to the field of beauty and love that is your eternity. I can imagine the accolades you were given for all the love and support you gave to your two Mommies! A job so well done from a beautiful baby that couldn't talk. We talked with our eyes didn't we baby. I'll never ever forget and when I get there I'll hold you tight again and kiss that head with a million kisses. I love you, Charlie Boy. Thank you for choosing us.
It's been a hard day without you.
Not that you're ever always here but
for the last 2 weeks,
I spoke to you almost every day.
Secretly, I'm planning my next trip in my mind.
I just need to be closer occasionally.
That's it, no more. ILD
I do wish I had one friend . . .
One who would listen and understand what I say and think . . .
One who wouldn't judge my thoughts and musings . . .
One who would be able to keep my thoughts to themselves and
maybe even (someday) appreciate some of what I felt.
I do wish . . .
The Mastery of Love
1. I have the power to create what I want.
2. All of our drama is practiced by us. To become Masters of Love is to practice.
It occurs to me today,
That I have not been totally peaceful since that time,
The time that you and I were together,
and all that mattered was us.
And is that because I was suppose to live a life of unrest,
Never quite being satisfied,
Always wanting something more exciting to hang onto?
I honestly don't know and could guess but feel the need to think a little longer...
Happy Birthday, Deb!
I miss you so much.
I had no idea how much I would miss you.
Thank you for being my sister.
Thank you for being Kenny's rock.
I love you and I pray for you.
Today, on what would have been your 70th birthday,
I send to you thousands of yellow roses.
I hope heaven is beautiful for you.
xoxoxo Much love always,
Melonie